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day 976: gone

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Hope and hopeless are two sides of the same coin that I can hold in my hand and that’s real. We’re not young and naive anymore, we’re adults and imperfect. I’m walking through Prospect Park listening to the record I used to play driving down Christian Street in South Philly. It sounds different now. Chuck came to visit and re: stacks sounds different now too.

It’s January and sunny outside. I’ve been drinking too much and I shouldn’t. I met with a genius hip hop producer last night, in Jersey; he said his guests were yawning and we can’t remember if we were. I hope he could be family and maybe he can. So the hopelessness, too.

I think love and non attachment are here now, because you’re gone. I think the world is swelling up around us, and who has the words to say? The TV tells stories that quell us in a moment, so moment after moment they send armies of noise. But lights out, something’s lurking. My parents sleep with the TV on. Two TVs, one upstairs one down.

I’m on the train listening to Miles’ Quiet Nights. I’m listening to quiet abandon beneath beating hearts. There’s snow on the ground in Brooklyn today. There’s a man sleeping in the car next to me. There’s a woman looking at me, and I wonder if any of us knows what to do.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

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