day 335: Georgia on my mind
I’m listening to drums heavily compressed and distorted in the left speaker with a mono plate reverb on the right. I’m cycling between 24 – 22 – 20 – 18 – 16 bits on one of the returns. I’m glad to; I’ll settle on one. These are decisions I can make.
I can’t decide to fall in love. It just happens. I can’t decide it will be easy. It never is. I can’t decide who will write me and what they’ll say; I can only catch what comes if I can and say thank you. I can hope that he’ll text me but it doesn’t change if he will. But he will, and I don’t know why and I’m scared one day he won’t. Kim Hall (now Mrs. Tice) once told me over coffee, “I’m strong. I’m not going to stop being strong now that I have something to lose.” I haven’t seen her in years. I couldn’t look at her after I moved to La and I got my fire under control. I didn’t know how to not be on the edge of disaster. I didn’t know how to tell anyone that I was in a living hell and not sure I minded. I was scared to admit that maybe I liked it even. I didn’t know yet to be thankful in love without question; I couldn’t find the words to tell my friends I wanted them to come find me there. I didn’t know how to send love letters from another planet. The outpost. I came back but I never did because I moved forward instead.
I’m sitting on my couch chewing doublemint next to the window with headphones on. Stayed at 24 but changed the release.
Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha