day 296: Ty
The last time I saw him I was on my way to turn up a kick drum. It was springtime and raining in west philly. It was morning; the night before we stumbled in late and the cat snuck out and we hopped fences to find him. I know his impermanence like I know his heart. Every time I see him it could be our last and I know it. And I know when it comes it will pass without a sound and it could be years before I know I’ll never kiss him again.
So we meet up in a concrete jungle and drink juice and smile and talk and it’s the same; it’s like the days I’d go out in the middle of the night and park on the sidewalk and we’d listen to music and were the rulers of our own little kingdom. No one bothered us there cause they can’t be bothered by the chaos. That’s how the chaos keeps us safe. He puts his arm around me. I take him with me to the valley and we listen to music and I meditate and we lay in the grass with the sun on our skin. It’s breezy and we speak softly because we’ve stumbled upon a sacred space. I make a salad and we go to a party where it’s hands off again; reality enters and he leaves.
And it hurts. But we let go. And it hurts. I listen to the records he told me and see the movies he said to and text another guy but my heart’s not in it so I let that go too. I put on Neil Young and practice yoga and text my father; he’s in the city checking Facebook and wants to know why Erin and Luke are selling their furniture and I tell him. I tell the boy who lives below me, “I know that I don’t know.” He asks me, “Wait- what does that one mean again?” It means do the next right thing. Chuck tells me that when I don’t know what to do and I tell Plotzkey and I’m telling you too cause it’s hard sometimes but it’s true.
I’m gutted and confused and numb but I don’t cry and everything’s happening. All I can do is kneel to kiss the ground and pray and say thank you again.
Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha