day 166: saturday night
There’s snow outside; Bon Iver vinyl on inside. I’m not home enough for it to be familiar here. I want to stay and catch up but I’ll leave again in the morning. I want to be excited to go back to the studio. I want to go to my parent’s house for dinner. I want it to be spring, driving through the valley with nothing to do but eat cheese and drink wine until it gets dark outside and then we’ll see what else. But I asked for this too, when this was something else. So I’m asking now: to be grateful and to give and that’s all. Because we’re enough. Because we have more than enough; we’re just looking for something we think we’ve lost but we’ve only just forgotten and if only we could see.
It took the internet being down for me to admit that I’m sad my friend is dying. That if I look down I’ll see myself broken in a million pieces scattered on the floor. That being brave is not a get out of jail free card. That I’m helpless. That I’m helping. That I can’t handle it. But he has to, so I will too. That’s how we do and for that I could never say thank you enough. But I’ll try.
I’m standing barefoot in my kitchen, leaning against the sink and re: stacks is playing; light is beaming white through the window; my Christmas decorations are still up and I bought Valentines today. I could write a list of the reasons I’m crying, but it wouldn’t change anything. Love changes things. And I love you.
Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha