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day 151: limitless

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I never got used to running down a mountain. The configuration of earth and gravity involved feels like a waking dream on the edge of disaster; impending doom not quite real and too close for comfort. I wake up most mornings like this. I’ve started teaching myself to say: it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok. Still I have not tried to run down this mountain. Not yet.

My boyfriend in college loved it. I can still hear him laughing as he went flying down in the slippers my mother bought him for Christmas. We had a nice life together. He taught me how to build a fire and every day I light the wood stove I can hear him telling me to go get kindling. But he wanted to marry me and I didn’t know who I was or even that I didn’t know; I only knew a deep unsettling sadness in my heart and that I couldn’t let it go like that. So after Christmas one year we broke up and I walked around Boston with a discman in the freezing cold listening to Ani Difranco trying to feel sad but all I could muster was numb. I met a skater at a party two weeks later and started dating him until there was another reason and another album and another hermitage. I still hope I find the right one someday. I’m not sure it matters though; what more could a person want who’s in love with the whole world and then some.

My mother says she’s sad I’m alone, and I tell her through the tears in my eyes that we all have some sadness in our life. And I’m glad to be alive. She says she’ll pray and I thank God for her too.

Nights like this on the mountain – fire going and a snowy dusk outside, just discovered a Miles collection in the library, bebop kitchen pause between mix and master – it does make me wonder how much love one person can hold. And the answer is still: all of it, and then some.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

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