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day 229: spring

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It’s the first days of spring and Plotzkey’s here. Shit’s going down and we’re holding each other up. I can hear a freight train moving past the prison and wind is gusting through my apartment. Bach spinning, coffee drinking; we don’t know what to do. We’re trying to get to the heart of the matter, but whether or not we can take it is questionable so we just keep testing how honest we can be. We walk around town with our arms around each other and talk about porcupines and pick up some meds. We snap and we hug and she leaves.

At the dharma center wind pushes against me like I push against Mister’s whiskers when he comes to my lap for comfort. So here I am for comfort and I find it but answers won’t come. As still as I sit it’s not still enough, so I sit
and I sit
and I sit
and I could explode, and it rains, and I’m in love again and living and thank god we have each other and music to keep us ok when everything is fucked so I can still say thank you let’s go. Rumi said to “let the beauty we love be what we do. there are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground” so let’s kiss and fall down and wake up to stretch in the (unbearable) lightness of spring.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 190: miami

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Miami,

I knew you’d lift my heart but I didn’t know you’d take it.
You didn’t tell me you’re an angel.
You didn’t tell me your air is made of light to help me breathe again.
You never said you could wrap me up and love me, and then just let me go. You just let me go. I’ll try to come back to you. I promise. I’ve already kept it twice and third time’s a charm. Maybe it’ll take four and maybe it won’t take. I’ll let you go too. But I love you forever. Readysetgo.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 166: saturday night

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There’s snow outside; Bon Iver vinyl on inside. I’m not home enough for it to be familiar here. I want to stay and catch up but I’ll leave again in the morning. I want to be excited to go back to the studio. I want to go to my parent’s house for dinner. I want it to be spring, driving through the valley with nothing to do but eat cheese and drink wine until it gets dark outside and then we’ll see what else. But I asked for this too, when this was something else. So I’m asking now: to be grateful and to give and that’s all. Because we’re enough. Because we have more than enough; we’re just looking for something we think we’ve lost but we’ve only just forgotten and if only we could see.

It took the internet being down for me to admit that I’m sad my friend is dying. That if I look down I’ll see myself broken in a million pieces scattered on the floor. That being brave is not a get out of jail free card. That I’m helpless. That I’m helping. That I can’t handle it. But he has to, so I will too. That’s how we do and for that I could never say thank you enough. But I’ll try.

I’m standing barefoot in my kitchen, leaning against the sink and re: stacks is playing; light is beaming white through the window; my Christmas decorations are still up and I bought Valentines today. I could write a list of the reasons I’m crying, but it wouldn’t change anything. Love changes things. And I love you.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 158: we’re a winner

Late night post-studio at home; slow chrome.
Restart to gray screen then black.
Brain buzzing, phone googling:
the death of a hard drive unfolds.
All the while on the radio; At Last twice

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 151: limitless

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I never got used to running down a mountain. The configuration of earth and gravity involved feels like a waking dream on the edge of disaster; impending doom not quite real and too close for comfort. I wake up most mornings like this. I’ve started teaching myself to say: it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok. Still I have not tried to run down this mountain. Not yet.

My boyfriend in college loved it. I can still hear him laughing as he went flying down in the slippers my mother bought him for Christmas. We had a nice life together. He taught me how to build a fire and every day I light the wood stove I can hear him telling me to go get kindling. But he wanted to marry me and I didn’t know who I was or even that I didn’t know; I only knew a deep unsettling sadness in my heart and that I couldn’t let it go like that. So after Christmas one year we broke up and I walked around Boston with a discman in the freezing cold listening to Ani Difranco trying to feel sad but all I could muster was numb. I met a skater at a party two weeks later and started dating him until there was another reason and another album and another hermitage. I still hope I find the right one someday. I’m not sure it matters though; what more could a person want who’s in love with the whole world and then some.

My mother says she’s sad I’m alone, and I tell her through the tears in my eyes that we all have some sadness in our life. And I’m glad to be alive. She says she’ll pray and I thank God for her too.

Nights like this on the mountain – fire going and a snowy dusk outside, just discovered a Miles collection in the library, bebop kitchen pause between mix and master – it does make me wonder how much love one person can hold. And the answer is still: all of it, and then some.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 128: frozen

Everything is cold -
every thought, every action.
The world has frozen,
leaving us settlers upon
a tundra of salt and snow.

#tanka #miksang

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Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 122: DaBa

With Rich at Daba
Ramos gin fizz at hand
We’re in the perfect day
And still-

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Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 119: apples

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Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

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