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day 474: December poem

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But who will catch me?

I’ve felt the most held on a mountain,
contained in silence.
The gentle light of yet another snow;
the hopeful smell of wood stove on my clothes.
And utterly alone.
Still, afraid to scream,
every day a waking dream.
Or was the light blue?

True to me is true to you,
Miles Davis muse.
Empty kisses thrown in a room.
Parents waiting eagerly for news.
Look but don’t touch your love’s perfume.
I am asking – who will catch me now?
Who will save me before I drown?
Or will you banish me to silence.

The gentle light of yet another snow;
the hopeful smell of wood stove on my clothes.
And utterly alone.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 335: Georgia on my mind

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I’m listening to drums heavily compressed and distorted in the left speaker with a mono plate reverb on the right. I’m cycling between 24 – 22 – 20 – 18 – 16 bits on one of the returns. I’m glad to; I’ll settle on one. These are decisions I can make.

I can’t decide to fall in love. It just happens. I can’t decide it will be easy. It never is. I can’t decide who will write me and what they’ll say; I can only catch what comes if I can and say thank you. I can hope that he’ll text me but it doesn’t change if he will. But he will, and I don’t know why and I’m scared one day he won’t. Kim Hall (now Mrs. Tice) once told me over coffee, “I’m strong. I’m not going to stop being strong now that I have something to lose.” I haven’t seen her in years. I couldn’t look at her after I moved to La and I got my fire under control. I didn’t know how to not be on the edge of disaster. I didn’t know how to tell anyone that I was in a living hell and not sure I minded. I was scared to admit that maybe I liked it even. I didn’t know yet to be thankful in love without question; I couldn’t find the words to tell my friends I wanted them to come find me there. I didn’t know how to send love letters from another planet. The outpost. I came back but I never did because I moved forward instead.

I’m sitting on my couch chewing doublemint next to the window with headphones on. Stayed at 24 but changed the release.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 321: listening

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I can’t stop listening to 50s on 5 in my car. Henry lent me his old tube amp for home. The right channel spits. I bought a pair of speakers at the thrift store and they’re all fucked up; so I fucked with the amp until they sound like just the right kind of broke down love for delta blues to sound perfect on them.

And I’m moving to New York City. I’m not moving to take over the world or anything, I’m just moving to let my heart explode and let something go. I’ve been holding my breath and biting my tongue for too long and I’m feeling in love and uncomfortable like Lover You Should’ve Come Over and I am ready to go.

Jo Ann Campbell’s on the radio right now – A Kookie Little Paradise. Indeed.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 296: Ty

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The last time I saw him I was on my way to turn up a kick drum. It was springtime and raining in west philly. It was morning; the night before we stumbled in late and the cat snuck out and we hopped fences to find him. I know his impermanence like I know his heart. Every time I see him it could be our last and I know it. And I know when it comes it will pass without a sound and it could be years before I know I’ll never kiss him again.

So we meet up in a concrete jungle and drink juice and smile and talk and it’s the same; it’s like the days I’d go out in the middle of the night and park on the sidewalk and we’d listen to music and were the rulers of our own little kingdom. No one bothered us there cause they can’t be bothered by the chaos. That’s how the chaos keeps us safe. He puts his arm around me. I take him with me to the valley and we listen to music and I meditate and we lay in the grass with the sun on our skin. It’s breezy and we speak softly because we’ve stumbled upon a sacred space. I make a salad and we go to a party where it’s hands off again; reality enters and he leaves.

And it hurts. But we let go. And it hurts. I listen to the records he told me and see the movies he said to and text another guy but my heart’s not in it so I let that go too. I put on Neil Young and practice yoga and text my father; he’s in the city checking Facebook and wants to know why Erin and Luke are selling their furniture and I tell him. I tell the boy who lives below me, “I know that I don’t know.” He asks me, “Wait- what does that one mean again?” It means do the next right thing. Chuck tells me that when I don’t know what to do and I tell Plotzkey and I’m telling you too cause it’s hard sometimes but it’s true.

I’m gutted and confused and numb but I don’t cry and everything’s happening. All I can do is kneel to kiss the ground and pray and say thank you again.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 293: on the corner

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Being high at a highway Starbucks listening to people order is truly an experience. And Sara McGlaughlin’s on the radio. It’s 78 degrees outside but in the shade it’s breezy and nice.

Devin almost lost his baby on Sunday. Alison wrote asking everyone to pray. It felt like a bad time to realize I’m shakier than I thought on the God thing, but I guess that’s how things go. So I snapped in two and went to my parents’ house and cried on their bed. My Mom stayed up late with me; she told me about the time her mother died and she lost her faith. How many times have I been to church with my mother – how many time have I asked her to pray? – and just now do I ask her what she thinks of God. I guess that’s how things go too.

I walk through their house by the ocean and look at the old family pictures on the walls. Our family pictures. The windows are open and the air tastes like salt. I know when I wake up there will be strong coffee and my parents will hug me. My brother will stop by and I’ll hug him too.

I may not know enough about God, but I know about blessings and I know about heaven. I know about hell too; but I know about family and I know about love. And I know we’re gonna be ok.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

 

(playing: on the corner; streaming: dina kelberman gifs @IdleScreenings)

day 248: what’s happening?

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• Coltrane comes in panned left on Love Supreme and moves further center at about 5:42 into Part I: Acknowledgement. He comes in left again on Part II: Resolution and stays there till the end.

• I’m sitting next to a pair of lovers in a coffee shop in the west village. They’re on their computers playing footsie (I promise). There’s a big skylight and lots of plants and I feel like I walked into another world. I sat down in an empty seat next to an electrical outlet and my phone was at 40% #amazing

• I bought a woman lunch yesterday in midtown. She asked me for help and I told her I didn’t have any cash and she said it was ok could I just buy her some beef lo mein? I smiled and said yes. She told me about an old lady she used to visit in the area name Miss Lovie. She said she misses her and hopes she’s ok but she was 80 then and now…. She had a scarf on her head and big glasses on her face and carried a book bag and changed her order 4 times in line. She got some egg rolls too.

• I came close to crying listening to music in front of a client again today. This is becoming a theme. But don’t tell anyone. Especially that I’m glad.

• I’m tryna be in Harlem for a minute?

• I may or may not have commitment issues.

And I can still get drunk with a stranger on Macdougal Street. We’re on fire and shining; we’re going to change the world and I don’t believe it but I hope I’m wrong. So, to my Thursday night stranger: make me wrong.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 229: spring

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It’s the first days of spring and Plotzkey’s here. Shit’s going down and we’re holding each other up. I can hear a freight train moving past the prison and wind is gusting through my apartment. Bach is spinning, we’re coffee drinking; we don’t know what to do. We’re trying to get to the heart of the matter, but whether or not we can take it is questionable so we just keep testing how honest we can be. We walk around town with our arms around each other and talk about porcupines and pick up some meds. We snap and we hug and she leaves.

At the dharma center wind pushes against me like I push against Mister’s whiskers when he comes to my lap for comfort. So here I am for comfort and I find it but the answers won’t come. As still as I sit it’s not still enough, so I sit
and I sit
and I sit
and I could explode, and it rains, and I’m in love again and living and thank god we have each other and music to keep us ok when everything is fucked so I can still say thank you let’s go. Rumi said to “let the beauty we love be what we do. there are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground” so let’s kiss and fall down and wake up to stretch in the (unbearable) lightness of spring.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

day 190: miami

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Miami,

I knew you’d lift my heart but I didn’t know you’d take it.
You didn’t tell me you’re an angel.
You didn’t tell me your air is made of light to help me breathe again.
You just wrapped me up to love me, and then you let me go. You just let me go. I’ll try to come back to you. I promise. I’ve already kept it twice and third time’s a charm. Maybe it’ll take four and maybe it won’t take. I’ll let you go too. But I love you forever. Readysetgo.

Om Gum Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

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